Do you know the thing that makes me post again? (It’s not to make an awful pun, by the way.) Restrain yourself from letting the word “geek” pop out of your mouth, but it was rereading my front page and discovering badly written sentences and grammatical errors. I couldn’t let those things profane the top of my blog any longer.
So. Hi friends. Popping into your blog reader for just a moment. To redeem myself. ‘Cause this paragraph is horrific. And fun.
And also to tell you a story now that it’s awkwardly late. It goes something like this:
You know how you get an idea for a project in your mind and you can’t concentrate on much else? That happened when we got engaged and focusing hard on college sort of flew out the window. When it came to planning for the future vs. planning for the biggest party of my life, well, my poor “future” never stood a chance. It was a lot like that when we decided to have a baby. That was way back at the end of last summer, about the time I stopped posting. I was concentrating all of my energy on making some little spark ignite inside my body.
It worked too! Four months later, we had a special Christmas announcement. I was all set to start blogging in the new year with a whole new website and a slew of nursery ideas. But this happened and that happened. The timing never worked out. I was feeling tired. I kept asking Sean, “Are you sure I’m pregnant? Is it really in there?” I wanted to be positive, and never is there another time in a girl’s life when feeling like crap is so very reassuring. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling quite crappy enough and one day at work I suddenly knew. Just two months new and our baby was gone.
Can I tell you something? I miss that little tiny growing thing inside me. I still cry sometimes when a conversation among our friends about their babies lasts a few hours too long or when a newborn is propped on a chair directly in my view at church. I know that some way, somehow being a mommy is going to be part of God’s purpose in my life and I can’t wait to get started.
I also know that those two months and then the weeks following were among the biggest blessings I’ve ever known. I got to care for a little soul for two whole months! I got to nourish it and sacrifice for it while it grew and died inside me! I got to feel anguish, peace, and joy all at the same time. The night that I came home and knew the baby was gone will always be one of my worst and best memories because I felt God surrounding us inside of that nightmare like I’d never felt before. I couldn’t find words to pray at all. Instead, a record played in my head, “The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Over and over. One can’t argue with God.
What happened to us is nothing particularly special. It happens all the time. Among a certain group of friends, every single one of us has lost our first baby. Never, never would I wish it on anyone, but it is so precious to know we have a Comforter who makes all things good.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to be patient until we can try this thing again. We’re training for a 5k, planning our summer vacation, sewing curtains for the family room, hanging things on our walls, planting the garden, baking bread, and learning more about ourselves. It’s good to have another chance. I may continue to blog as the whim strikes. It’s fun making my own rules about that. If you’re still there, know that I appreciate it so very much!